HER: Take a shower with me. 馃槉
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 馃槉[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
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My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I鈥檓 waiting for him to apologize.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that鈥檚 not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I鈥檓 old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I鈥檓 not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it鈥檚 to annoy my husband
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i鈥檓 anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Where鈥檚 a careening bus when you need it?
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.