I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
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I think it鈥檚 safe to say that I鈥檝e earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you鈥檙e wondering why i鈥檓 so diabolical
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
The Backseat Boys
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Now that I鈥檓 in my mid-forties I think I鈥檒l take up parkour.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I鈥檓 gonna call you Man鈥檚 best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I鈥檓 saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Story of my life…..
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Had to try this trend 馃槉
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven鈥檛 been invited to a single wedding this year.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM