Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
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Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.