I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
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“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”