Well, this is awkward
You Might Also Like
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Finally, a door that understands me
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.