Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
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Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.