“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
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No, YOUR illiterate.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
pizza
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.