My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
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Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
the short answer to this question
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together