no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
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Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…