the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
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If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
crochet youtube is brutal
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
can’t believe I got front row seats
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time