me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
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Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
i think both sides are to blame here
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.