I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
You Might Also Like
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.