🤯🤯🤯
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I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
The Book. The Movie.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister