Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
You Might Also Like
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months