3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
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This guy’s not having it 😆
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯