GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
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You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Here’s a meme
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa