I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
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*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter