Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
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My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
*looks at you in batman voice*
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?