What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
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I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?