I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
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GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.