(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
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5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.