Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

smh

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!