That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
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toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Möther may I have a snäck
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how