My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
I love the honesty
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.