Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
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Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”