The Purge: Valentine’s Day
You Might Also Like
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried