My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
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rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
This meal prepping shit easy
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I love art.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk