I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
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You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.