It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
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Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
🤣dope
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.