[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
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[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
This probably isn’t good
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Labreador
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Thursday
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.