I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
You Might Also Like
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…