Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
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25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.