“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
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Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.