If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
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Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Meanwhile in Canada…
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
They also CAN sing✌️
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location