If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Only Americans understand
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.