Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
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I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
That de-escalated quickly
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
yeah no that’s fair
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
what the