That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
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I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
“Wait, let me explain..”
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys