Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
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Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Put this video in the Louvre