Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
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Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
just got my engagement photos
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”