Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
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My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Saturday
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd