ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
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*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
*pronounces patio like ratio
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Fidel Castro was alive?
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.