My good tweets are in my other pants.
You Might Also Like
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it