When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
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Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.