A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
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When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.