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Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
had to make it
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…