BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
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dutch is not a serious language
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Wedding planning is organized crime.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
i actually laughed 😩
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this