[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
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Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]