Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
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My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.