Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
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My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass