I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
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[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.